Answer:
To start, I feel like the claim is very vague and is not clear. To make this claim better, I would add more clarification to what you are trying to say. Also, the claim is written in first- person. A persuasive essay should always be written in third person. To fix the support, I would make it so the author uses fewer opinions. I think the author should use more facts to back up his thesis. I think the conclusion clincher does not restate the claim clearly. I think the author could use better vocabulary words. For example, instead of saying "really likes", the author could say " my friend enjoys ". Lastly, the transitions in this argument are really lacking. I think the author should add a couple of statements like, moving on, on top of that, that is not all! These transitions are crucial because without them it makes it harder for the author to add details that make the reader want to keep reading on. Overall, I think the author did not connect his essay or any of his ideas together. I feel like if he made what he was trying to say more clear, more people would be more interested in reading why he thinks advertising children is necessary.
Explanation:
